Thursday, April 10, 2014

Capped Gas

This blog post will surprise some of you.  It's easy to assume that my days of infinite glory on the proverbial classroom battle ground are checkered with frequent moments of victories, both small and large, and that I prance about my kingdom with Peony petals littered at my feet.  Like I'm the King George of commandeers to my students.  Revered like a pontiff.  Respected like the most tenured of academics at Yale.  Esteemed like a Lord Chancellor.


The reality is that only one facet of the fictional world I just described is truth:  we do experience frequent moments of victory, both small and large.  We also experience real life, real gross, real gassy problems.  

Several years ago I had a conversation with a school nurse about a periodic problem that arises with adolescents, a problem known as Frequent and Intentional Flatulence.  She taught me what has been my go-to gas containment strategy for those scholars of mine who simply cannot avoid the joy they bring themselves (and some of their cohorts) by eliciting collective gasps, guffaws, and gags.  Moses himself would have been proud of some of the row parting skills demonstrated by victims of Frequent and Intentional Flatulence.  Thanks to my go-to, never-fail strategy the nurse taught me, however, I've all but eliminated this issue in my domain.  

Recently, though, I had to visit the strategy, which goes something like this:  

"Scholar XYZ, you seem to be experiencing trouble managing your bodily functions.  I realize that must be uncomfortable for you.  If the trouble persists, I will have no option - in the interest of your health, but to refer you to the campus nurse.  She will triage you to determine if you may have a gastrointestinal problem that should be addressed by a physician.  The nurse will then refer your parents to a suitable digestive specialist."  

Several females in the class period stood up and applauded.  So, Laura, school nurse now living in the great white north, you should know that your advice was and still is brilliantly effective.

Carry on.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Paranormal APPtivity

The short story below is from my teammate, Carol.  She provided her grace in me quoting her, here:

"Paranormal activity?  So today during 5th period my projector shut off. It did this once yesterday so I didn’t think too much of it. Then, it came back on, and then off again. It did this during the entire class time maybe ten times or so. I kept switching from writing on the board to showing the video/ppt. The students were so distracted, “It’s back on, Miss!” etc. THEN, they hollered, “The TV’s on!” and it was! And guess what it was showing? Sex and the City! It was thankfully not as bad as it could have been, but there was kissing involved. I have no remote for the TV, couldn’t reach to see a button, but in an effort to protect the eyes of my innocent students, I found the strength to shove over my bookshelf to reach behind it to unplug the TV.

Then the projector came back on and NEVER went back off again. The projector remote was sitting on the cart then entire time.

My TV shall remain unplugged. I have never turned it on- ever. I don’t even know how. If it comes on again while it’s unplugged, I’m going home.


Yes, I completed an SOS. I’m sure they are getting a good laugh out of it."

<SOS:  literally, what it sounds like, except it's created for the district technology staff to blessedly assist with varied tech problems.>

After some discussion with other colleagues, the culprit may not be paranormal activity but rather wily, tech-savvy students who have found one of the many device apps available that can tinker with nearby electronic equipment.